American Gladiators

When Sage first told me that she had a blog and wanted me to look at it I got real worried and said, "Okay, honey, I guess I will but shouldn't you make an appointment and have your doctor look at it? I would have no idea what to look for. Where is it anyway?" Now that I figured out what a blog is she wants me to be a guest writer from time to time. I am not the kind of person that tries something again after failing the first time so this may be my first and last attempt. I guess I will share with the 6 billion people on this planet what has been on my mind for the last several weeks.

When my siblings and I were younger we watched American Gladiators, a television game show in which "ordinary Americans" compete against steroid abominations vaguely resembling humans - but lacking cognitive and communicative faculties - in grueling and violent events designed to test strength, stamina, and the will to survive. The show came on sometime after midnight on Thursday and since we had to be in bed by 8 on weeknights we would record it and watch it the next day. This show was great for my family because the six of us kids rarely did anything at all together but we all watched this show. Not only did we watch it, though, we also played it. Back then there were somewhere around 25 different events and some of them were pretty creative. For one event - called "Human Cannonball" - the contenders (the "normal Americans") would stand on the top of a thirty-foot tall pedestal towering over a small body of water. They would wear a helmet, some body armor and carry a shield. About 40 yards or so away, on an even higher pedestal, a Gladiator would start. He or she would swing on a rope towards the contender and try to knock the contender off the pedestal and into the water. If the Gladiator succeeded the contender would score no points; if the contender managed to stay on the pedestal, she would score ten points. That is a game that every kid wants to play and so we did. Dad had tied a few garden hoses to some of the higher tree branches in our elm out back and we would climb them and swing from them. He had also brought home a large wooden spool from work that must have been used for some sort of wire or hosing. We would use that for the contender's pedestal and a tall ladder for the Gladiator's. One of us kids would stand up on that spool holding an old couch cushion as a shield while another one of us would grab the hose and climb up to the top of the ladder that we set up twenty or so feet away, and then leap off of the ladder and plummet through the air towards the contender on the spool, trying to knock them off. Needless to say I was by far the best of us all at this game (even though I got hurt a lot I never cried or broke any bones, which is more than any of my siblings can say).
Not only did American Gladiators get us kids watching tv and playing together, it was also educational. If it weren't for American Gladiators I would have no idea how to program a VCR such that it records a show even when I am not in the room (I don't even have to be home--maybe sometime I will post instructions so you can do the same thing). I still put that skill to use every Thursday and it's a good thing I can do it because Sage cannot. The other invaluable tidbit I picked up from American Gladiators was the meaning of the term "cruisin' for a bruisin'". When I read a TVGuide article about the show and the caption underneath the picture of the gladiators used that phrase I went directly to my older brother to ask him what it meant. His answer was less than satisfactory so I asked my mom, whose answer was a little better but only because she didn't call me stupid. Then I had to ask Dad but I still could not quite get it. Actually, I am still thinking about it. Education is more about asking questions than answering them anyway, right?
The real point is that NBC recently brought back American Gladiators. Here is the link: http://www.nbc.com/American_Gladiators/
I was ecstatic when I first saw the preview for the glorious return of my favorite reality show of all time so I bought a new pack of VHS tapes and set the VCR to record Thursday at midnight. Much to my surprise, however, it's new time slot is in prime time! Every time I saw that preview come on for the next two weeks I jumped up and growled like a Gladiator, overwhelmed with excitement and emotion. But when I watched the premier I just could not get into it the way I used to. For one thing there are only 10 events now, and only one of those was a favorite from back when. That event is Gauntlet. If I can figure this blog thing out, you can watch a video right here.



You have to admit that that looks like fun. At least, that's what I kept telling Sage when she refused to play it with me in the hallway. Finally I convinced her. She was the contender and I was the Gladiator. I gave her 30 seconds to get from one end of the hall to other, with me doing absolutely everything in my power to keep her from making it. She never stood a chance. Even though she lost the event I decided I would let her become a Gladiator. Perhaps you all could help her choose a Gladiator name. Here are the names of the current female Gladiators: Venom, Crush, Siren, Stealth, Hellga, and Fury. I am thinking that either Tantrum or Banshee would fit Sage well but she is also open to your suggestions. By the way, the male Gladiator names are: Justice, Mayhem, Titan, Wolf, Toa, and Militia; mine is Professor Pain.